What the promise of eternity with my son does NOT do...

I spend a lot of time thinking about Heaven these days.  And why shouldn’t I?  It’s only natural that I would want to dwell on and know as much as possible about the place my son now resides.  Since he died lots of people have tried to offer encouraging words by reminding me that he’s in a better place and that I get to see him again one day.  That’s okay because it’s true, but I feel like I’m somehow being dishonest when I just nod and smile.  The promise of eternity with my son is what keeps me slightly closer to sane than off-my-rocker crazy but the not-so-pretty truth is that there are a lot of things the promise of eternity with him do not do...  

The promise of eternity with my son does not keep me from missing him every single moment of every single day.  From this there is no relief.  It does not take away the literal, physical, heart-being-crushed-inside-my-chest, take-my-breath-away pain that comes each time my mind slowly, just for a split second, wraps around the seemingly incomprehensible, that he’s actually really gone and he’s never coming back.  The promise of eternity does not take away the longing to know what he would be like and what he would be doing now.  It does not keep me from wishing we were getting to do all the things I assumed we would one day get to do, celebrating many milestones along the way.  The promise of eternity does not erase the memories or the images from that horrific, fateful morning.  It does not take away the fear or terror that death could strike again if I have more children.  It doesn’t change the fact that even if there are more children, my son, my firstborn will always be missing and my family will never, not even once in this life be all together.  The promise of eternity does not take away, even for a fleeting moment the ache, the withdrawals-from-a-craving-that-has-no-fix longing to hold him, alive in my arms again.  It does not stop the broken record playing in my head, "I don’t understand.  I don’t understand."  The promise of eternity does not offer answers in the here and now. 

Am I grateful that I have heaven to look forward to with my son?  It is the.only.thing. that provides any.consolation.at.all.  Yes, I am grateful.  I am eternally grateful.