I Will Celebrate

Happy Birthday, firstborn.  

You would be two years old today.  You should be two years old today.  We should be celebrating and I should be marveling over the many milestones you’ve met.  I should be anticipating the person you will be one day in the future.  I should be admiring you and how you are such a cute, sweet little boy with such a big personality.  I should be talking about how hard it is to believe that two whole years have already passed since you were born.  I should be saying how hard it is to remember what life was like before you came along.  This day should hold the tiniest twinge of sadness as I realize that you are growing up way too fast.  

You and I will not be celebrating together today, but I will still be celebrating you.  Just as I will celebrate you every day of every year because you are my son, my firstborn, and my heart belongs to you.  As I often do, today I will think back and reflect on our time together.  I will marvel over the many milestones you met in 566 short days.  I will anticipate the person you might have been one day in the future, but I will try not to focus too much on what could have been.  I will look at your pictures and watch your videos and replay memories of you in my head and I will admire what a cute, sweet little boy you were, with such a big personality.  I will think about how hard it is to believe that it’s been two whole years since I held you in my arms for the first time.  I will try very hard not to think about how hard it is to believe that it’s been over 5 months since I held you in my arms for the last time.  I will do my best to remember what life was like before you came along, but luckily I won’t be able to.  I will try not to think about what life has been like after you left us, but the thought will shove and push its way through, just like it does every single moment of every single day.  This day will hold a tremendous amount of sadness as I think about how you never got the chance to grow up at all, much less way too fast.

Today we should be celebrating you together and celebrating your day should be a happy occasion for both of us.  In a way it is.  While I am heartbroken for myself, I am happy for you.  For you, this birthday will be the best one yet.  Any amount of happy I could wish you on your birthday, you already have.  As I celebrate you, I will celebrate all that I had with you.  Through my selfish tears, through my gut wrenching agony, I will celebrate that I was so blessed as to be chosen to be your mother.  I will celebrate that I had the opportunity to know you and to learn the best kept secret of motherhood.  The thing no mother could ever tell even if she tried because, it is impossible.   It is impossible to describe the sheer magnitude of the greatest love that one person can have for another; you just have to experience it, once you are a mother.  On your birthday I was given the gift of you.  For this reason, I will celebrate. 

Happy birthday, firstborn.