“It’s the most wonderful time of the year." At least that’s what I’ve heard. Even before my son’s death I couldn’t get on board with that. This time of year should be peaceful as we reflect on the wonder and majesty of a virgin birth and the salvation that an innocent baby would one day bring to mankind. I’ve always despised the hustle and bustle of the season, the buying of more and more stuff for people who don’t really need for anything, and of course the traditions like straight up lying to kids about creepy elves and a fat man in a red suit. All that aside, the very real heart-being-crushed-inside-my-chest, take-my-breath-away pain of knowing what was and what should have been makes it difficult to have a “holly, jolly Christmas.”
It is not difficult to imagine that everyone else’s life really is just as perfect as it appears on those trendy family photo Christmas cards. Also, it's not difficult for me to get caught up in thinking about how different my life is and always will be. For me, there will be no little one to dress in Christmas pajamas. There will be no one to break special ornaments on my tree. There will be no flying wrapping paper as gifts are opened Christmas morning. There will remain one stocking that while hung every year, will never again be stuffed. There will be no one to sit in the floor and use a spatula to stir a few pieces of tinsel that fell from the tree. There will be no little one for me to tell the real Christmas Story as we act it out with the Little People nativity scene. There will be no barricade around my Christmas tree for protection. There will be no family photo for me this Christmas. In fact, for me there will never again be a holiday photo that includes all of my family members.
It is not difficult to imagine that everyone else’s life really is just as perfect as it appears on those trendy family photo Christmas cards. Also, it's not difficult for me to get caught up in thinking about how different my life is and always will be. For me, there will be no little one to dress in Christmas pajamas. There will be no one to break special ornaments on my tree. There will be no flying wrapping paper as gifts are opened Christmas morning. There will remain one stocking that while hung every year, will never again be stuffed. There will be no one to sit in the floor and use a spatula to stir a few pieces of tinsel that fell from the tree. There will be no little one for me to tell the real Christmas Story as we act it out with the Little People nativity scene. There will be no barricade around my Christmas tree for protection. There will be no family photo for me this Christmas. In fact, for me there will never again be a holiday photo that includes all of my family members.
“I don't need expensive things/ They don't matter to me/ All that I want, can't be found underneath the Christmas tree.” Even the holiday songs I listen to have new, tainted meaning as certain phrases jump out to remind me that all I want I can never have. Not in this life. No matter how “merry and bright my Christmases will always be a shade of “blue.” They can never be all that they should be. They can never be exactly right. The only hope I have to hold on to is that one day “I’ll be home for Christmas” and it won’t be “only in my dreams.”
- http://www.metrolyrics.com/its-the-most-wonderful-time-of-the-year-lyrics-andy-williams.html
- http://www.metrolyrics.com/holly-jolly-christmas-lyrics-burl-ives.html
- http://www.metrolyrics.com/all-i-want-for-christmas-is-you-lyrics-vince-vance-and-the-valiants.html
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- http://www.metrolyrics.com/blue-christmas-lyrics-elvis-presley.html
- http://www.metrolyrics.com/ill-be-home-for-christmas-lyrics-bing-crosby.html
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